Life Change Is Hard

What does it take to change your life?

That is the question that I have now. The reality of my situation is that to have what I really, ultimately want I have to do one of the hardest things that anyone can do and something incredibly hard for me to do. Change the way I am. Not for anyone else, but for myself. An action so hard that I am petrified of it, I am so scared to change, but infinitely more scared not to, because of what will come of it. I need to be something different, and I know this, but I cannot, not yet. I am being crippled by my fear again, once again fear is taking away from me what I want the most. Which is my everything, my life, my reason for living, my sunshine.

Coupled with that fear is my brain and its tendencies of nostalgia. Of times when this change was not what was needed, when this change was the farthest thing from my mind. When I was able to be that fear crippled soul, because others could not see past my veil, into my cowardly soul. Nostalgia is change and fear's cold breath, stinging my heart with its icy chill. Change requires living in the future, but nostalgia calls to the easy past. Where things were always better, and fun and happy, and the hard times are all but forgotten, eclipsed by the wonderful love and exhilaration, the purity of feeling.

I want change so badly, and I do have one ally. Hope, hope springs eternal, but it is fragile. Easily crushed by the behemoth of fear. One must nuture it, and protect it, for it is all that can save one from the depth of the past.